Just a letter.

Dear Nikki,

It’s been a while since we had that talk, I have always been an ardent believer of not speaking , not writing , not communicating , words destroy , as I have always said, but that does not mean, that we should leave things in a bad state and so I write to you , I am particularly not good at writing letters , if you have read what I write , it is always pretentious and when writing letters , a person has to keep himself in check , because it goes out to someone who knows you too well and then all that you write is just out there , on the record , forever.

I assure you in this letter, I will try not to be pretentious and not to exaggerate, please treat what I say below as it is.

I remember the day that you asked me what a relationship is and I told you, it’s a journey from one disappointment to another, this is what people do, they disappoint, but what I did not tell you was the other part, relationships are also about a zeal to make it work and not get cocky by the bumpy roads it takes you on (albeit successful once, you have a relationship with your enemies also ( it`s just that we call it animosity), but we are not talking about that now, are we). See again, I assure you again, I won’t do that now.

So the one complain you have always had with me is , that I never told you that I love you , and when I did so , it was too little too late, here is what I have to say about this and I will leave it then to your better judgment. I have always been in love , every woman I have met in my life , I have loved them , for a minute or a lifetime , but I never told any of them this , now this does not necessarily means that they have loved me back, and heck I never needed them to , because I have never been that available , to accommodate someone in your life and make them a part of yours takes too much self-destruction , this is what I told you time and again ,but I guess I shouldn’t be telling women about that, now I love your smile ,  and just knowing there is a person like you , made me believe in god , and I thanked him for making you , but when you told me that you were in love with me , I lost that belief and I cursed him , cause that’s the worst thing he could have done to you , make you fall in love with a person like me , I was terrified that day , when someone looks into your eyes and tells you that they love you , it changes you , and I changed that day , I felt terrified to my core of the fear that I will turn you into someone like me , well I digress, coming back to how you were mad at me that I never confessed my love to you, it was because we are not the same people , you wanted attention from me and that I could never give you , I kept thinking of all the times when you will want to just have a good laugh and I won’t be there to make you smile.

I may have not said that I love you, but I never said I don’t , remember that , I never lied , I had been economical with the truth but I never lied, its basic , its fundamental, shows a man`s character. 
We all have demons in us, most people make peace with them, these are the people you will see every day, going in buses, trains, their eyes dead, their faces blank, they laugh ugly and when they do its just mediocre, a complete generation going berserk for the new model of some mobile phone, a new car model, a two bedroom flat in a city where they don’t know two people, and they kept asking me why I don’t smile, I could tell them the reasons, but they won’t understand, but you do and that’s how I know we have the same demons inside us. I live the same life but I could never imagine about joining the fraternity. Our virtues , our vices , our demons are all different from them and I know I sound pretentious and I exaggerate now , but for a 2 page letter, please let me be. 

So the day I knew that truth about you, I knew that I was in love with you and I said so, it was late, accepted, but it was genuine, and so I retract, we are the same people and we can be happy together. So if the offer is still open, I will come by your place tonight and if you want, we can go out for a quite walk. You never know , maybe miracles do happen..

yours truly

TCM - Part 2.

Nikita and I had known each other for close to six years now. Since high school, I believe. I remember her as the crowd turner girl, which she still is, who was always ahead of her class and the teachers pet. Quite prodigious, one might say. But she always had her head on the right side, she claims. Coz she never looked at me. Nor at other guys. To be fair, guys were literally scared of her. A stunning beauty is unnerving enough, combine brains and attitude with it and guys know that this one is off-limits.

Not to say that we were not friendly. Sure enough, we chatted up a lot. After all, I was one of the ‘brains’ in our school and in the football eleven too. We had one of those notes- sharing, last minute revision and post exam cool kind of relationship. No cupids hung around. As she frequently reminds me by singing Ray Charles song ‘ I never ever thought, I would fall in love with you.’

Neither did I.  Or did I? Probably a part of me liked her a bit. Maybe a bit more. She was that kind. Immensely likeable once you got to know her. All sugar and spice. But how to break the ice?

Which is where tradition stepped in. True to the spirit, when we were in our last year in school, just before the prep leaves, a few enterprising youths from our batch organized a ‘ put your hair down party’ for us. Fed on a diet of Archies Comics and American sit-coms, they gave a couple dance. 

Which, means you have to come with a partner. Or not at all. As I watched young guys in their late teens, with half grown moustaches prancing up to groups of giggling girls, I calculated my chances of hooking up a partner. Not that I was bad looking, just that I didn’t want to spoil anyone’s evening. Mine included. But this giggling was disturbing. Why do they have to giggle so much. I thought.

‘Why do they have to giggle so much?’- a female voice echoed.

I looked around for the voice without a face.  I found one. A rather pretty one too. Nikita sat down by me in a huff.

It bothers. Doesn’t it?’- she asked

‘ Arent you in the same league?’ – I said.  Nikki shook her head in resignation. ‘ No, I don’t giggle.’ And I remembered thinking that she didn’t. She smiled though. A pretty smile which lit up her eyes and yours too, if you were the one she was smiling at.

‘ Who are you taking?’- She asked.

‘Somebody who doesn’t giggle.’ –I looked at her.

She raised her eyebrows. ‘Although I don’t like your choice of words, but I will come.’

Which literally shook the ground beneath my feet.  And I looked at her. Differently. It had never crossed my mind to ask her out. Probably because I was her buddy. But the more I thought about it, the more struck was I by her feminity. Why hadn’t I ever considered that. She was a girl!

I  guess I hadn’t managed to cover my surprise well. Her next words jolted me.

‘I am sorry. I never thought of it. You are already going out with someone.’- she blushed a pretty shade of pink.

‘No, no, no, no, no. ‘- I hastened to explain. ‘ I meant to ask you all along.’- I lied.

‘Well then, it’s a date.’ And it was a date. She was the first and the last girl I dated.

I cant remember much of the party except Nikki, and how she looked, how she moved, how she spoke and how she smiled, how her hair smelled, how she felt as we danced together.

That was the day. And since then we have been virtually inseparable. How we prayed that to pass our entrance tests . and then later on for the same college.

The day we entered college, we were labeled as a pair. The Nikki, who wouldn’t so much as glance at a guy, was always by my side, taking care of me, scolding me, helping me, confiding in me. She began to sort of own me. And I liked being owned by her. She was my queen- Ayesha.

Well, this ownership got kind of divided when I met Som. While Nikki and I managed to be together a lot of times, I would spend a lot of time with Som. After all, you need a guy to go to the watering hole with. As things moved, our lives got complicated and busy. And the twosome became a sort of threesome. With occasional resentments on both sides.

Nikki resented the influence, Som, the late entrant in my life had on me. Apparently, according to her, since meeting Som, I had become a bit cynical. And a bit mean too. Though , she liked his sobering effect too. And the fact that Som didn’t drink or smoke or fool around with girls. I guess for once Nikki was jealous. And I was a bit glad. Isnt possessiveness one of the features of intense love? Oh, sure there is the trust factor. And surely, Nikki could trust me with Som. That I was straight was known to her from the cozy times that we had spent on the couch in my room.  

But funny as it may sound, Nikki had a better measure of Som than me. And Som could see the depth in her too. He sort of respected her. And by respect , I mean more than courteous, which he was to every girl. It was the respect he would give to an equal adversary. I had often been a witness to their conversation, which went back and forth. Like a shuttle. And I would be a mute spectator. At times, I would wonder at Nikki’s intellectual veracity and wonder at the lack of mine. This thing troubled me. 

But Nikki would smile at me, give me a lingering kiss and would say . “ You’re the man.” That kiss would be the best counter-argument to anything I might have wanted to say.

Just as it was today.

As Nikki and I walked and talked our way cozily around the college campus, this question played vaguely in the back of my mind.

Som… or Somraj Singh, was a study in himself, if one chose to take the course. Tall, dark and handsome, and mostly brooding. He would keep to himself, yet he had the entire college in his fan list. Authority, as I have stated earlier , was intimidated by him. Yet, he had never given any trouble to anyone- the faculty or the management. In fact, the faculty respected him ,such was the precocity of his mind. What made him so liked and respected is a combination of many factors- his aloofness, his generosity, his mysteriousness, his clear convictions, his loyalty to them  and the far-off look in his eyes.

It was this look that I had noticed at first. It was as if Som could see something that none of us could. Something that only he could visualize and understand.

We had been room-mates since day one and to be frank, I was a bit unnerved by him in the beginning. 

But slowly, I got used to his quiet ways and his silences, which grew comfortable after a while. And slowly, we developed a bond. He would treat me as a kid brother, often laughing at the way I would grumble over petty little privations as there being butter instead of margarine for breakfast. He would listen with great attention as I narrated stories of some of my adventures  and misadventures, smiling his ironic smile. He would scarcely talk about himself, though.

But then, one day, he talked. It was my birthday. And all of us were celebrating. With drinks going all around. It was close to three, when the last man drunk had traipsed out. And I was trying to sober up. Som, being a teetotaler, was watching my antics. He had been unusually silent that night. Something that I could notice even in my state of inebriation.

He came over, lifted me by one shoulder, took me to the washstand and washed my face with sponge and soap. Then he half carried, half dragged me to my bed. Somehow, that splashing of water on my face had cleared my mind a bit. And I started pulling on my nightclothes, while Som watched me with a mingled expression of amusement and curiosity. A trifle embarrassed, even in front of Som, I hurried with it. And  turning to Som, asked him- “ Arent you going to change?”

“ No, Doc. I don’t think, I am ever going to change.”

I looked up and saw that clear but distant look that always brought me back to reality.

“ Som”, I asked quietly. “ Is anything the matter? Did anything go wrong”

“ Yes Doc. There is a matter. And plenty has gone wrong.”- he said, as he surveyed the mess in our room. Empty beer bottles rolling on the floor, cigarette stubs lying around. Scraps of food. CD- Roms. Porn magazines open at the centerfold.

“ I guess the celebration went a bit wild. I will clear it up in the morning.” –I said. Som, was not boisterous and did not like loudness. But, he was also my best friend, and didn’t want to spoil the fun.

“ No matter. You know, Doc, back in the hinterland, where I come from, this kind of celebration is done only by the landlord’s son. And people like me are mere watchers. Like audience. Previliged to watch a show, from a distance.”

“ People there climb on the trees to watch the show, at the end of which, scraps of remnants are thrown to them, at which they pounce, like hungry and starved dogs.’

‘The reason, why I never drink or make merry. I prefer to be in the audience, while the big monied  people stage their obnoxious display of power and wealth.’ – he added.

“ You know, Doc. I come from a little known village in M.P. with a population of one thousand. And which is surrounded by five similar size villages, equally unknown. Located some 25 kms away from the nearest shanty town. A river runs through our villages and floods them every year. There are just five primary schools there, two secondary schools and two primary health care centres between our six villages. All govt. And all with absenteeism. Meaning, that girls of our villages cannot study , if at all they do, it is till standard five . The secondary schools are too far from their homes. Boys, if at all they study, can do so till tenth. A few , whose relatives live in neighbouring towns, send them their for a little higher education.”

“ Again, a lot of children are never born or die young, because , women either die in childbirth or the child is stillborn. If at all he manages to enter this world, he dies of malnutrition. Needless to say, there is a lot of poverty.”

“ But to make up for all these deficiencies, we have politics. There is no lack of it. There is caste-politics, there is gender-politics, there is ‘realpolitik’, and then there is politics for the sake of politics. And to lead politics , we have empty headed, mealy mouthed leaders, with cavernous bellies and endless appetite for money.”

“ My father, the sole bread winner of a family of six is a farmer. Every year, the annual flood would take away a lot of our crop and we would be left with only one-sixth of what should have been , the actual crop. To make up for the loss, my mother wove baskets. My two elder brothers worked as a labourer during the months he was not helping my father, while my elder sister would take care of me, as I was the youngest. My family had big dreams for me. I was the brightest in my village. Bauji wanted me to study further. And sent me to my uncle for higher education. I would come to village, once every two years, only to see my family scrimping on meager savings.  While I was well fed and wore decent clothes, they ate one meal a day and wore the same clothes, patched and worn. I wanted to leave all and return to them, to join them in their struggles and suffering. But, that would only sadden them. I was their hope. And so, I worked hard. I topped all my examinations. Got scholarships. Got looked down upon and made fun of. But didn’t give up. And now I am here, before you and with you. Looking at the endless hedonistic ways of the rich and the pampered. They have never attracted me, the only thing they rouse in me is curiosity and mirth. And an endless longing to go back.’

“ One day, Doc, I am going to go back. And give back all that has been taken away, all that has been denied, back to my family, my childhood friends, who  got left behind, my village, my land, my home.”

“That, my dear Doc, is what I am working for. To go back to the roots. And nurture them. I don’t want to eat the fruits of the tree of greed and wealth.”

“ Som”,- I ventured, a bit subdued after this surprising revelation. ‘You must hate me then.’

“No, Doc. I don’t. I don’t believe in hatred. And more so, I know you.  And after knowing you. Never can hate you. Take it easy.”

“And now, young man. Go off to sleep. And dream of Nikki.”. The lights went out.

TCM - 1

Som put a hand around my shoulder and stretched forward the other. I looked ahead. All around us, there was the green valley, the scent of magnolias, and the distant sound of the waves of the river, as they splashed on their banks. It mingled with the wind and tickled our ears with their mysterious secrets. All these played in the laps of those huge mountains, which have been cradling them for centuries with monumental patience. I looked at the mountains and smiled. And wondered. Why is it that the winds and the trees and the river make people smile? And why do the mountains inspire awe? Is it because they are silent and do not take part in nature's speech? Somehow, to me, the hills have always been an attraction. And these mountains look like an affectionate grandfather who is looking after his precocious grandchildren. They signify posterity. In fact, they all do. And I guess they meant the same to Somu. For he said “This is what immortality means Doc. This whole thing lying before us. Not you or me or anything that man has done or will ever do." I looked at him and saw two eyes. Eyes that looked at you as if they could pierce you and look straight through. Right then, they had that distant look- as if they could see something beyond, which had missed our sight.

'Som'- I said. ‘Even this is not permanent.' I tried to imitate his sombre tone and contort my not so handsome features into his, philosophical Greek God-like face. The Greek God turned his face towards me and looked quizzical. ‘Well, you know this whole evolution theory that this bloke named Charlie wrote about after he visited those Galloping islands.'

'Galapagos, you mean'.

'The same. Well, that was about natural selection and the dog- eats dog theory till the fitter of them survives. But millions of years ago, when even history wasn’t there, there were these seven seas.. all together, and all the land, locked together, until they all separated and...... Hell, you know what I mean.'

'Yeah, I know.' He smiled. A trifle amused at my chagrin at not being able to weave the story of creation of earth into a poem.  

'But do you get my point?' He said and then started off.

'You see where we are standing? What we are looking at? We are looking at something that has taken millions of years to become what it is now. Centuries of ceaseless addition and shaping of minute particles. And not one of these particles is superior to other in its role. There is no hierarchy. And it is this uniqueness and individuality of each of them that has made these rocks scrape the firmament. It is them that have held it up rather than the other way round. '

'Now imagine!' he turned towards me with his eyes all ablaze.

'This should be the picture of civilization.  All the populace having the same relevance. No one higher than the other. No one upmanship.and that particularly is what is wanting here. The reason why our country is still lagging in development. The reason our edifice is crumbling. '

'Because some of us.. rather a lot of us just want to sit at the top of the others.' He fell silent.

'You forget, my friend. Those who try to be uppity and become a boulder, tend to fall off and crumble in a heap. '

'And crush a lot of others in their wake.' He said quietly.

I had no answer to this.

It has always been like this. We would get into a conversation and at the end Som would make a statement that would make people silent. He had this knack of asking uncomfortable questions.

And it was for these very reasons that the college administration treated him warily and the political union disliked him. Though, he was loved by the general mass of students specially the undergraduates. He was the 'daddy' without being a bully.

With his devastating looks and clear speech, he was a born hero. While girls would get weak-kneed, even guys respected him. Having been room-mates since our first day in college, I have had the chance of being a real close observer. six months in the college, being freshers ourselves, I was surprised when one evening , on entering the room I saw him coaching a fellow student for the semester exams, while we had an important test ourselves the next day.

Incidentally, we have been the best of friends. How it came about is something we will talk about later

Our friendship would strike people as odd. While I was more of a social guy and highly popular. He was introverted and kept mostly to himself. But both of us were inseparable. and genius. Funny, though it may sound, our micro level differences were what that led to our macro level similarities.

Even with top- grades, both of us used to feel like misfits.  I was  the quintessential writer and he, a visionary. My place was behind a desk, secluded and his, behind a mike, amongst a throng of people. Both of us were pushed into this setting by our fathers, both of whom, in a strange case of coincidence were pragmatic and no- nonsense takers. And both had doting mothers.

And what exactly were we doing? Well, both of us were training to be medicos.

Right now, that was where we were headed. Towards our college. It was our fourth year here. In this college with its cathedral like building and long corridors. It was here that we would study to become doctors. It was a strange setting for a medical college. Nestled amongst the hills. Far , far from the maddening crowd. Attached to an old and big and famous hospital. Where we were interned , of course. It was the thought and vision of the founder of the institution and the hospital, who has given his name to both of them, that both students and patients need nourishment and nutrition. Clean fresh air, healthy food and calm environs to recuperate for the patients. Detachment, serenity for the students. Probably, he understood how being near patients would turn young interns into real doctors. The arrangement suited everyone- the practicing faculty, the interns and the patients.  Patients liked to see youthful and sunny faces walking along with the doctors, trying to eagerly gulp down all that they could. Interns were happy to get a hands on experience. And the doctors were happy that they got to treat their patients in a hospital with world class facilities.

The college had a huge research wing too. Where R & D would be going on simultaneously. All in all, we were receiving a  world class education in a world class institution. We had it all.

And as we walked towards our college, it was this all that we took in in a glance.  The college building always silenced us. In me, rather I should say , in all of us it inspired an awe. Probably, it reminded everyone of something that they valued, something that they had sacrificed in order to be able to come here. To me, it is a symbol of hope, of how things could be and should be. Of what we were expected to go out and achieve. It also imbued a sense of responsibility, of our indebtedness to the society. Even Som, who had a scant regard for anything and everything would grow silent.

‘What does it remind you of ?’- I asked him that day. I have asked him this question many times. To futile attempts. Usually, he would shrug, ignore or smile mysteriously. Today, however, was my lucky day.

‘My biggest fear’.

I stared at him. ‘ And which is..?’. I wasn’t expecting an answer now. But, surprise!

‘Night.’ He saw my blank face and continued.

‘You know doc, when I was a kid, I used to be scared of the night. That this night would never end and there would be no light. Here, in these precincts, with you and all, I lose my fear of the dark. But when I go back to where I come from, that childhood fear haunts me again. Because, where I come from, it has been night, for many years , more than both our ages put together. The suffocating darkness needs this bright light for the night to end.’

What could I say? It was another of Soms' silence inducing statements. Yet, today I wanted to say something.

‘Come on, Som. Cheer up. Things are looking up surely. A lot of development work is going on everywhere.’ Immediately, I knew that it was the wrong thing to say.

‘Not there, where I come from.’

Damn it! Why did I always get it wrong? . I had never meant that. Hell, wasn’t that what we all were here for? To learn medicine and then practice it later on , to bring relief and succor to our countrymen? I guess not. A lot of our classmates were already forming plans of flying abroad for their major. And stay there. For good maybe. To be frank, I wanted to do my post grad from abroad too.

As if reading my mind, Som said ‘ A lot of our crowd  with a lot of green in their pockets is going to fly abroad and stay there A lot of them can afford it too. Sons of rich fathers like you, who don’t even need to think of the fees. You are going to pass with top honors from top colleges, with recommendations from high seats, only to cater to the well-heeled in super speciality hospitals. This leaves people like us, who have struggled right from their childhood, who needed scholarships to scrape through their college, to nurture our nation. Let me tell you what happens to us. We struggle and fight. fight our own government to bring health care to the great unwashed masses, which , my friend, incidentally is the real India.’

I swallowed the silence then said. ‘ You know, Som. That is a bit unfair.’ I was feeling hollow as I said this. But it was really not fair to paint everyone with the same brush. It wasn’t my fault that my father was a big shot businessman in textiles. He would narrate to me the uncertainties that he faced all the time, so that I would realize the value of the hard work that went behind each of the worldly comforts that I enjoyed and not take them for granted. Dad knew each of his ‘men’, (he would never call them employees or workers) by their first name. I have known him setting up scholarships for their children, arrange their marriages, and get their families insured. Surely, being rich doesn’t have to mean being bad. You just need to have your heart in the right place. But I couldn’t tell all that to Som. There existed too many examples which proved just the opposite.

‘Life isn’t fair, doc. The rich know that. And they make every effort in ensuring that it remains so.’

‘Sure, its not fair Som. But then, its not fair to anyone. Why boast about it? When you look inside, almost every heart has had grave injustice done to it. Everyone has a question.’

We had reached the cafeteria doors by now. It was sparsely occupied today. We took our favourite seats by the window, which had the Cliffside view. The cafeteria was like the coffeehouses of Kolkata- a veritable throng of discussions, all supported with the usual combo great coffee and spicy samosa. Open 24 x 7, it was our favourite refuge outside of our hostel rooms.  I cant count the number of hours I had spent here. Talking, laughing, arguing, just thinking and sometimes even studying. Just as I cant remember the number of girls we had eyed here. Till I met her. Or rather, till she caught my eye.

 She? Nikita, that’s her name. Nikki, that’s how the world knows her. But I call her Ayesha, after the beautiful African Pagan queen in Rider Haggard’s She. And we were talking as she approached us, with the usual smile on her face. The same smile that had smitten me . Serendipity, I say to her. And she agrees. An accident, is what she calls our love story. A deliberate one though, I think.

But then, this story is not about ‘How I met Nikki’.

She approached us just when we were in the middle of a discussion about the haves and have nots.

‘Look at you.’- said Som, as Nikki sat down on the third chair. ‘What is it that you don’t have? A rich father. Good clothes. A handsome pocketmoney.  A bright future. And the most beautiful girl in the college as your girlfriend .’ These last words were said with a bow to Nikki. Our Som might be short on words sometimes. But he was never short on courtesy.

‘Not the most beautiful surely.’- said Nikki, with a hint of modesty.

Both me and Som grinned. Like all girls, Nikki liked to be praised. But unlike many other girls, she was grounded. She hadn’t  allowed beauty to upset her brains.  

‘Certainly in the top three.’- replied our knight errant.

‘Who are the second and third?’- I asked innocently and got a sharp look from Nikki.

‘You- don’t-have-to-know-them.’- said Nikki through a closed mouth. Like other girls, she was inflammatory. And I loved this in her.

‘ Whats stopping you from falling in love? Do you know the number of looks you attract evrytime you walk down the corridors? You just need to open up.’- I said.

‘You know Som, try smiling a bit sometimes. You look devastatingly handsome.’- said Nikki, as Som continued to look grumpy and disgruntled.

‘This discussion is getting nowhere.’- said Som, shortly.

‘Excuse me, guys. I need to put in some work for the case study we are doing. Have been putting it off for a couple of weeks. Catch you later.’

He patted my back, shook hands with Nikki and left us dumbfounded.

‘Nothing new’- I said to nikki, as we both watched Som walk outside the cafeteria and all the way to the hostel. He had a nice walk, surefooted, unhesitating with a straight back and raised head.

‘Don’t you have case study?’-asked Nikki sternly.

‘I have done mine. Care for a long walk?’ I eyed her. Romantically.

‘Why is he always so closed up like that?’- Nikki thought aloud, shaking her head and getting up at the same time.

A question that a lot of people will continue to ask.